HumaniTEA: A Manifesto

HumaniTEA: A Manifesto
By Jacob Martin

Tea is the beverage of kings, queens, commoners and the wealthy alike! HumaniTEA is the group who say “no more!” to those who disrespect our noble drink! These are the goals of our beverage revolution:

1: The de-stigmatisation of Tea. Tea is a drink of the people, not just the British who sip from their expensive, gilded cups! We must fight to ensure that Tea is recognised as the beverage of a united world, as Tea comes from all kinds of places that produce it, such as Japan, Kenya, Tanzania, and India. One beverage can unite our broken world, and we will achieve equality among creation one sip at a time. We must ensure that those who forsake the joys of Tea are made aware of its pleasures, and in good time the whole world will be drinking Tea! (Except for Mormons, it’s hard to convince them to disobey one of the laws of their religion by making them drink Tea, but it’s their loss. You should still respect their views, but they need to respect yours too)

2: Fair pay for Tea industry workers. Only buy Tea that has been produced ethically, as unjustly manufactured Tea that uses exploitative labour leaves a bad taste in the mouth.

3: Good promotion of the benefits of Tea is one of the core steps in our Tea revolution, that even Coffee, that caffeine laden opiate of the masses, will be overthrown in favour of a beverage that is far healthier and enjoyable than many other beverage choices. Tea is healthier than energy drinks as well, and is better for you than a soft drink or cola!

4: The overthrowing of Coffee and energy drinks must be achieved by non-violent means. These evils cannot be repaid with evil, only the good works of HumaniTEA members with peaceful, home economical methods of eliminating Coffee and energy drinks that have oppressed the working class for too long, will prevail in the end! Simply do not buy Coffee or energy drinks, they are addictive, but like smoking and alcoholism, they can be beaten, and Tea will set you free!

5: Tea is what binds us together, we know no discrimination in race, creed, gender or blend of choice. Every cup of the noble drink unites the people around you, as they drink with you. In an ideal world, Tea will end wars, reconcile the harshest enemies, and bond families as one.

6: The final goal of HumaniTEA, after uniting humanity as one world, and one beverage, is to preserve this peace we have earned with the leaves of toil, and the calming effect of a cup of Tea will sooth the wracked nerves of those who fought so hard to achieve these goals. Drink to peace! Drink to equality! Drink for all Humanity!